A new chapter is beginning...

it just took everything out of me, everything.

every single year, i have to be strong. strong for what? it was a dream i had, i dream i cherished for 2 whole freaking years, a dream our team fought for for two whole years. two damn years. two damn years i had this dream, to play in front of hundreds of my schoolmates at ccab, to win that gold for my school. two damn freaking long years.

typical. it never happened. luck, lousy refereeing, all played a part. it is tough to always come up short, when you know you have the ability to make a serious impact. its tough to have to be strong. last year i fought for my senior's batch when faith was shown in me and i was called to action against barker. i fought my best but lost and i cried my heart out.

but this year, it was my last chance. i really gave it my all, i never spared anything, nothing could take anything away from me. but it still wasnt enough. maybe its just me, maybe im not good enough.

this team is great. our teamwork is great, our trust for one another is unbelievable, and we just have the faith that every member of the team has the ability to bail another out in times of difficulty. but it just didnt happen, why? shit you ref, whitehaired idiot.

past two days, ive been crying like nobody's business. its tough to accept the reality, that my dream has been shattered. nothing is left of it, nothing to show of it. it has taken everything out of me. i feel like a wandering sheep, lost from its herd and without a shepherd to show it the way, i feel aimless, like nothing to drive myself towards. its tough, real tough.

today, i cried in school too. i went to hand up my chinese essay on "meng yuan", which is about your dreams and ideals and some crap, and in there i just wrote everything i felt into that piece of paper, which really lightened my burden. after that i went to hand up to teacher at her staff room, then she read it and started talking to me about my season. then i started crying because i just couldnt accept the truth that this dream of mine, this dream which i have sacrificed everything for, these 2 years of my life that i have spent just for this chance, has just been shattered. lucky got only two of us in the corridor if not i damn paiseh leh.

i hate being a keeper. as a keeper, you will be the one who feels the most guilt, who takes it upon yourself to earn the team results. you expect that much from yourself, yet sometimes, it is just too much. im tired, im really tired. i dont know whether i still want that number 1 over my head, or is going without it a more viable option. i dont know.

my future remains unclear. and my confidence is broken.

its gonna be a rough time for me this year.